


Don't Blame Me

by Shergar



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec is a Little Shit, All Jace Has Is Regrets, Crack, Don't Expect Anything But Crack, Handcuffs, I Blame the Malec Discord Server, M/M, Mistakes were made, Texts From Last Night, Tired Dad Luke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-24 14:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30073665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shergar/pseuds/Shergar
Summary: “Don’t blame me. I told you I didn’t know if I had a key to those handcuffs."
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland, implied Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 6
Kudos: 62





	Don't Blame Me

**Author's Note:**

> Look. Don't blame me and don't take this too seriously. I promised nothing but crack so that's what you get. 
> 
> Based on a text from Texts From Last Night!
> 
> Blame CJ for the fact that this exists.

“Don’t blame me. I told you I didn’t know if I had a key to those handcuffs,” Simon huffed, pulling on his discarded shirt and a pair of sweatpants. 

Jace growled -  _ Audibly _ growled in a way that would have given any werewolf a run for their money. Simon knew he was trying to be tough but those tricks wouldn’t work on him any longer. They used to but he knew the real Jace now. “I thought you were kidding.”

“I have not seen the key to those handcuffs since the summer I went to magic camp and came home convinced I’d be the next Harry Houdini.” He glanced back at the bed and crossed his arms with a smirk. “Can’t say I’m not appreciating the view though.”

“ _ Simon,” _ the blond tugged at his hands, the metal clinking against the bars in the headboard, “Find a way to get me out of here.  _ Now.”  _ Alec would kill him if he was late for patrol...again. He was too old for the ichor duty he was sure he’d be assigned if he wasn’t absolutely, one hundred percent punctual. 

“Doesn’t the big, bad Shadowhunter have some sort of unlock rune?” Simon took a seat at the front of the bed like this was a perfectly normal conversation. Jace started squirming again.

“Which I can’t  _ use _ with my hands like this so find a way to get me out.” Honestly, he wasn’t even sure where his stele was at this point. Hell, he wasn’t sure where his  _ pants _ were...everything had moved pretty quickly once Simon had opened the door.

“I can call Alec?” It’s not like Simon could draw the rune and he wasn’t sure his lock-cracking abilities were up to par. He didn’t even know if he had a paperclip or a bobby pin or whatever people used in the movies to break into places. When was the last time he’d even  _ seen _ a paperclip (and that old Microsoft Word pop-up definitely didn’t count.)

“Absolutely do not call Alec. Or Izzy. Or Clary. In fact, don’t call anyone,” If there was a slight panic in Jace’s voice, Simon pretended not to notice. He could be caring that way.

“Then how do you propose I get you out? Because honestly, I’m sort of out of ideas here. You want me to try and use vamp strength on them?” He hadn’t offered that option first because with his luck he’d rip Jace’s arm off or accidentally punch him in the face and Simon didn’t want to be on the other side of either of those things happening. “Or can’t you break your thumb or something and heal it up?? I saw it in a spy movie once… it may have been James Bond. They’re all sort of the same -”

“Simon. I would prefer not to dislocate my thumb. That would still need to heal and I still have a job to do.”  _ And _ he didn’t want to have to explain that to Alec or Izzy. Jace sighed and stilled, glancing up to try and get a closer look at the metal around his wrists. “Don’t these things have universal keys or something?”

“I think? I can’t say I’m an expert on handcuffs.” He certainly was nowhere close to being an expert on escapology. His mother had put a stop to his Harry Houdini days very quickly. He hadn’t even had a chance to try the straight jacket.

Though...that may be an idea for later.

“Would Luke have the key?” Jace was resigned to the fact that there was no pleasant way out of this situation. He was well and truly stuck.

“...You want me to call,  _ Luke?  _ Are you sure that’s a good idea? I’ve known Luke for a while and this doesn’t seem like something you just call your Dad about…” Simon was rambling but he was already scrambling in search of his phone.

Honestly, Jace thought both options were terrible but he figured there was less of a chance of Luke making fun of him. Alec would never let him live it down. “Just call him...how bad can it be?”

\------------------------

Luke had barely taken a step in the door before his eyes fell on the scene in front of him. He pinched the bridge of his nose and inhaled sharply. “Jace, you couldn’t put on some pants?”

“Yes, because I’m absolutely in the position to do that right now. Can you get me out or not?” He was at least semi-covered with the corner of a blanket but it was still overly clear that he was entirely nude.

“Can’t say this is the first time I’ve had to respond to a call like this, can’t say it’ll be the last,” the werewolf muttered under his breath, already reaching into the pocket of his vest for his key ring. “Thought I’d let you know, Simon just said you were in trouble, he didn’t specify what so I took the liberty of calling…”

A knock from the door cut him off and Jace watched the heard the man sigh before he turned around. “False alarm, Alec. It seems that no one is in danger of dying after all.” 

Jace paled as parabati walked up behind look, a coffee in his hand a shit-eating grin on his face. “Hiya, Jace. How you doing, buddy?”

He squirmed, trying to will the blanket to suddenly cover more of him. He wasn’t shy about his body  _ at all  _ but Alec could be a little shit when he wanted to. That was  _ exactly _ why he hadn’t called Alec in the first place.  _ Damn it to hell. _ “Hi Alec, I’m doing swell. I called  _ Luke _ hoping for some help. He didn’t need to bother you for this.”  _ Traitor. _

Alec laughed and took a sip of his coffee enjoying this situation way too much for Jace’s comfort. “Oh, I’m glad he did. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” He stared for another moment before turning his attention back to Luke. “As much as I’m getting a kick out of this, I’m guessing you have a way to put him out of his misery? I still need this guy for patrol later this afternoon.”

Luke unlocked the handcuffs with a practiced motion. “Honestly, I expected this from you,” He pointed a finger at Jace as the Shadowhunter grabbed the blanket and pulled it around himself. “But you,” he changed his attention to Simon. “I thought you were better than this.”

“In my defense, I  _ told _ him that I didn’t think I had a key,” Simon protested, crossing his arms with a pout. 

“Then get rid of the handcuffs or buy a key before you play with them again. They aren’t a toy, Simon. I’ve got to get back to work. I’ll leave you to Alec.” 

Alec took another sip of his coffee and Jace scowled. “Oh fuck off, Alec. It’s not like I haven’t walked in on you in worse situations - your office, the training room, the library, the  _ kitchen _ . Seriously, people  _ eat _ there. Have some manners.”

“That may be correct, but you’ve never found me handcuffed to a bed without a key.” He glanced around and found Jace’s pants, kicking them towards him in a swift motion. “Now get dressed, we have patrol in an hour and the demons won’t wait for your sex life.”


End file.
